Thursday, April 3, 2014

They're Back!!

Yep, the ALLEZ BITCHES!! socks are back and now with a bit more class.
I personally am not a fan of black socks, but these have stole my heart. 
I'm realizing that black socks hide; 
dirt, embro, blood, chocolate flavored GU, and rogue snot rockets

Get yours on the FreeBird Velo shop

Also new to the FreeBird Velo shop is the new Cobbled Maurice tee.
Just in time for Classics. I couldn't get over to Belgium  
so I sent Maurice. I asked him to just pass out some stickers but he must
of had one too many Chimays because he found some poster board and pulled a
Good job Maurice.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Au Revoir #TINAR 1000

If the TINAR 1000 Challenge is finished, why do I feel so sad? 
It's February 6 and I haven't ridden a bike since January 31 and there's no reason. 
I'm not sick, injured, buried by work, or been abducted by illegal aliens. 
"Hell, I want to ride woman"
at least that's what body is saying, my mind is saying "f**k it, go tomorrow." 
My mind's been saying that since February 1.

Final stats from TINAR 1000:

Total Kilometres: 661.77
Total Elevation Gain: 32,652 ft
Total Days Ridden: 23
Total Calories Burnt: 11,878
Total Hours on Bike: 33:10

I started out the TINAR 1000 half-assed and I finished it half-assed.
But the middle part was pretty good. 
To start with, I was finishing up a cold at the beginning of the month, 
so those early rides averaged sub 20 miles. 
As the weeks passed every ride got a little longer, every ride I felt a little stronger. 
That is until the last week, and I'm taking full responsibility for that lackluster finish. 
But before the bad I want to point out some of the good:

-I got a STRAVA QOM for going 1.4 miles downhill.
(that's pretty damn funny because I descend like a feather)

- My legs got some muscle tone and I got a bit of a tan.
(although no one's gonna mistake me for an Italian) 

-My diet improved 
(for the most part)

-My love of cycling increased, 
(it's now bordering on clinical obsession)

-This is the most miles I've ridden in January, 
the weather kind of helped though,
average temps were around 78 degrees.
I love Summer Embro.

-Most important thing I gained from this challenge was
actually feeling healthy. My body functioned the way
I always knew it could, but now after a week without 
riding I'm a complete disaster. 

I made some mistakes, I knew they were wrong yet I still did them.
Will I learn from them? Probably not, but I fully intend to try.

Here ya go, learn from em:

- A challenge like this is not good for procrastinators.
I learned not to wait till the last week to ride 250 miles.

- I didn't fuel properly while on rides.
When it came to water and food intake I was terrible.
You are not supposed to have any liquid left in your
bottle after a 3 hour ride.

- I didn't refuel properly after most rides.
   It wasn't the quality, it was the quantity.
Who am I kidding, it was quality.
Note to self: smoothies are always the way to go.

-  I needed to take care of my bike and my body (legs).
I think I washed and lubed my bike once the entire month.
I also didn't stretch at all, and my idea of massage was putting
on lotion. They both put in a lot of work, they deserved better.

While out riding I had a lot of hours to be alone with my thoughts.
One of these was realizing how much I love my quads. I like to watch them
involuntarily move outwards as I take a corner or just watch them pedal away
without me asking them to. In fact, I love them so much I named them:
The left one is Gino and the right one is Fausto.
I promised them that we'd make plans to get back to the gym next month.
And yes I have conversations
with body parts, my bike, or random animals that may cross my path.

As I was riding my final day I had the strangest feeling. I knew I was nowhere
near my goal, but I wasn't upset about it. I got kitted up, clicked in
and pressed the RIDE button on my Garmin. As soon as I crested the top
of our street, right before I make my usual left turn, it hit me:
I felt empty, but not in a depressing way. 
My ride that last day can only be described as rotational meditation.
My mind was clear. No thoughts or worries came zipping through. 
 I heard the birds, I saw the clouds, and I heard my dirty chain turning over,
but nothing would stick in my mind. I felt pleasantly stupid.
As I write this it's becoming clear to me what I experienced that final day:


Well, maybe not fully enlightened, but as enlightened as
I've ever been in my thirty some years on this planet.
I may have failed at meeting my goal but
I definitely feel like I gained something this month.
I'm looking forward to this coming year.
I have more challenges in store,
it seems to be the only way I can anything done.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

#TINAR1000 State of the Union

In case you didn't hear, or read, or see on Instagram or Twitter, I have
embarked on a simple challenge for the month of January.
It's not a resolution, I hate that word. I believe gyms and the diet industry
have taken it over and made it their own. To them the word resolution = $$$
Do I get a little too riled up about it, yes, but you should see me 
when I get going on the greeting card business and all their pseudo holidays.
Okay, so I devised a simple goal for the month of January. A way to kick off the year,
a way to give my sad little legs some much needed miles and 
some much needed muscle tone. Let's just say last year was less than stellar for them.

Here's a brief rundown of what I've put in 
since January 16:

Kilometers: 392.0
Miles: 243.6
Elevation gain: 19,399 feet

As you can tell, I may have gotten myself into a pretty big hole.
(that's what he said)
It's the 18th as I write this and I still have a long way to ride. 
Once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator. 
Let's just say, I'm going to be doing some rides that may 
end with me in a fetal position crying for my mommy 
sucking on an empty salted caramel GU packet.

My legs are doing work and I want to treat them right,
so I'm making sure they know how much I appreciate them.
As you can see in the picture above I've succumb to the sweet smell 
only Rapha can create. Yes I'm using summer embro,
it's January in the Northern Hemisphere but Southern California has been averaging 
80 degrees F the whole month of January. Using this embro gives me a chance to 
warm up my legs before leaving the house. It also gives them a nice sheen, 
gives me some added color, and makes them smell like I've been romping through a 
Mediterranean forest. I've also been using Rapha's shave and post shave lotion. 
I don't know if it helps my legs any. It's supposed to smell like Mont Ventoux.
I like to imagine I'm channeling all the great riders over 
the years that have conquered that climb.
I basically have a seance in my bathroom every time I shave my legs.

So there you have it, I'm not exactly killing it, but I'm not epically failing either.
The last couple weeks are going to have some fun with me, let's hope the weather holds up,
or more importantly, let's hope my legs hold up. I like a bit of challenge in my challenges.
If you're doing your own challenge I hope you're doing as well or better than me. 
Let's see some more photos. 
Remember, share your Instagram and Twitter pics with the hashtag 


All decent submissions will get a TINAR sticker or something useful.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Happy New Year! Now here's a Monkey.

It's a new year and with that brings new hope that I can
publish (at least) more than three blog entries a month.
As usual, I was sick during the month of December so my
riding slagged off, much like the rest of my year.
To counterbalance the lackluster year that was 2013
I've decided to start off 2014 in brilliant fashion.

I give to you:

(Not to be confused with the Festivus 500 Gumball Rally)
That's right folks, for the month of January rack up 1000km 
post pictures of your glorious (and not so glorious rides) on Instagram or Twitter 
using the hashtag:


at the end of the month I will peruse the entries and then send out 
special limited edition TINAR 1000 stickers. Patches are too friggin expensive.

I was going to do this challenge on my own but I like the idea of having a way to share
my rides with others and have them share theirs. My theory is that hopefully I'll
get some motivation from you guys, if it's needed, who am I kidding? of course I need motivation! 
I just don't want any show-offs who ride the entire thing in one weekend. 
This challenge is for those who don't usually partake in Gentleman's
races and such. You know who you are. 

Friday, September 13, 2013

Who's Passing Out the Kool-Aid? I Didn't Get Any.

What the Hell is this victory salute?
It's coming close to El Pistelero status.

DISCLAIMER: Some of you FreeBird Velo faithful may get angry at this post and I'm sorry, but opinions are like a-holes, everybody's got one and everybody thinks everyone elses stink. That being said don't forget the FreeBird Velo shop is serving up some new designs and a few marked down pieces too.

Don't get me wrong, I liked Chris H. at one point in time.
How could you hate a straight guy who would give a lift like this.
Ah, the Vuelta, I have no idea what's going on with it. My cable provider doesn't provide us with Universal Sports, and I have too short a temper to put up with watching a twitchy computer feed. Wait a second, let me rephrase something, I don't want to know what's going on with the Vuelta. As an avid watcher of cycling and a woman with a pretty cut and dried opinion of people I have an issue with a couple of riders lately. Since we're talking about the Vuelta let's start with Chris Horner. Now, unfortunately thanks to the LA years we can't believe a rider is 100% clean, there will always be a little glimmer of doubt in our eye, but everybody knows this so let me move on.
Nail in the coffin moment. Tommy D. leads Horner to victory
after not taking a single pull the entire climb.
This is the point where my pissyness towards Horner
 really bubbled over.
Pussy move Horner, pussy move.

I have a hard time listening to random social media folks kissing Chris Horner's ass just because he's old (almost 42) and finally doing well in a Grand Tour. People are simple creatures and tend to gravitate towards others with things in common, no matter what negativity those people have created in the past. It's the easier route to be blind. We all know Chris was riding during the drug years and we'd have to be complete morons to believe he's been clean his entire career. What I'm trying to say is I'm pissed because riders have been coming clean about their drug use, they're paying their dues, or they're getting out of the game because they're old farts anyway and they want to focus on their clothing company. It may be a few years since the last time they shot up with speedy juice but at least they're paying their dues. Chris is still riding like a clean man for some reason. I guess people don't believe he needs to be reprimanded because he's a media darling. I don't care if he does have an energetic personality in front of the camera, come clean and go work for NBC Sports, just get out of the peloton. I wonder how Levi, Zabriskie, Hincapie and Van De Velde think of riders who don't pay the consequences? How about Tom Danielson who led him to a stage win in the Tour of Utah? And yes I know it's not just Horner, there are other riders who need to come out, it's the only way to move on. If Horner wins the Vuelta this year it's a hollow victory. Like the hollow Easter bunny you get from your cheap aunt. You're excited at first but disappointed when you really find out the truth.

Enough of that, I believe the youngsters coming up are clean, Sagan has a tiny asterisk in my book but for the most part the future looks promising. As soon as the old guard gets the hell out of the peloton maybe we can watch a race and not have that negative pit in our bellies.

Next up on the chopping block, this guy. I won't go into a rant over this guy because I'm tired and this crap is just depressing, and basically I want to like Jens but it feels fake. His story is the same as Chris's. Everyone loves Jensie. He's a media darling. He's old and feisty and he likes to go out in breakaways. Side-note, I got uber-pissed when he publicly put down Tejay's breakaway tactics during a stage at this years TdF, but then goes on to do the same thing Tejay did a day or two later. I know its part of the game but I gotta say, A-Hole. Jens came up through cycling during the drug fueled years and it would be completely shocking if he didn't use during that time. Why is he immune too? Come clean, retire, play with your fishies and start a Von Trap style Eastern Bloc style cycling team. 

I'm going to regret this post in the morning, and I know I'm in the minority when it comes to these guys but that's the problem.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Hup Hup BiTCHeS!

It's that time of year again! That time of year you start to day dream about crisp morning air, golden leaves and spectators teasing you unmercifully with a megaphone and crumpled dollar bill. 
It's CYCLO CROSS season! 
FreeBird Velo is proud to present to you the 
Hup Hup Bitches! long sleeve tee. Yes it's a long sleeve, because Fall can be chilly and if you ride a lot you probably have low body fat so you get chilly easily. 
Get yours now right here at the FreeBird Velo official website.
This tee was kind of inspired by Marianne Vos because:
 -she's Dutch
-she's a 6 time world CX champion
-Hup is Dutch for GO
-Orange is the official color of Dutchlandia

Also available at FreeBirdVelo are the only 3 Kapaletti tees left in existence.
In case you didn't know, Kapaletti was a cycling team from a long gone era, like really long gone. The tee is what the team would of worn while they weren't on their bikes. It was put out by Kapelmuur Independent and printed by yours truly. Get yours today and be part of history.


Thursday, July 4, 2013


The Crusty Little Curmudgeon doesn't usually make such a quick reappearance but what happened after the TdF team time trial deserves a bit of a bitch. Ted King, Cannondale rider, super domestique, and all around good guy had terrible luck this week. A quick recap: Ted got busted up on stage 1, still in pain for stage 4, couldn't ride a normal time trial bike due to separated shoulder, got dropped by his team and had to ride entire TTT on his own, enduring text book suffering, didn't make time cut, short by 7 seconds.
Tour de France Powers That Be
aka Yankee Haters
  Now, the TdF powers that be could've shown him some leniency, but unfortunately they decided the Yankee had to go home. I can not imagine this similar fate happening to a French or large profile rider. Look at those smug bastards up there. Shame on you! You soured my Tour this year. We wish Ted a speedy recovery and lots of maple syrup, hopefully he gets to ride Colorado in August. Make sure and visit Ted's homepage and then pick up a 'I am not Ted King' tee from Cutaway Clothing.

Ryder Hesjedal, keeping the peloton cool one shaka at a time
The CLC is not all about bitching, I like to point out the good things too. For instance, I couldn't pull these glasses off because I have a pin head but Ryder sure can. I can only imagine how great these glasses would be at keeping bees out of your eyes. Little buggers, got stung twice near my eyes within a span of 2 weeks, and I can't count the number of times they've snuck in my jersey and went to town, and not in the good way either.

6 Guns Full of Sexy
Could not help but notice the similarities between Cav's stage 5 win and Starsky's dance moves. 
1, 2, 3, 4 I declare disco war!